Sadie what do you need ? He asked as I looked at him very timidly and let a verbal hem and haw out because I just didn’t want to come out with it. It was pretty late at night on the cusp of midnight and I found myself sitting on the couch next to Wicked mentally sinking. I was going back and forth and back and forth in my mind on if I was going to ask him for what I needed. The two days prior to that night I found myself struggling with my need for submission and my not wanting to burden him with the need to take care of me when he had some pretty serious things of his own that he was dealing with at the time. And on top of that I knew there’s a line I can’t cross when it comes to my relationship with Wicked & Sir during our peer to peer time and this particular need arouse during our peer to peer time.
The need for submission can be very overwhelming. It can take over your every thought and I found myself in a place where that’s exactly what was happening. But the problem was I really needed it not to be because the timing was awful. I however was not in control of it at all, no matter how much I tried to suppress the feeling – it just got worse and worse as the days passed by. Now this isn’t a new feeling for me. Often it happens between long periods of time between sessions. It can also happen when I’ve just got a lot going on in my life that may be causing me stress and I feel like I can’t handle it . It happens when I feel start to feel ungrounded. Its a feeling that a long for, that I only experience during my time with Sir and no where else. Recently I was trying to describe it to him and as I was writing it out…the more I described it the more it started to sound like a drug and I was yearning for a hit.
I knew that what needed on that particular night was just something to get me over the hump and to sooth the feelings I was having. I just needed to feel in submission and to be in a submissive position . I’ve talked before about how sometimes my more subby feelings bleed into my peer to peer relationship usually during sex and in my mind I play a bit . I knew that if I could just get myself into a submissive position that I could be okay and I’d get the need met without actually having to ask him per se. The first time around was two days prior to that night and I tried asking if I could suck his cock while using my toy. Seems simple enough – the key to it is that I find sucking his cock to be a submissive act especially if I position myself in a very specific way- let’s just say in a more helpless position. He agreed but when we got together that night he let me use my toy but he stimulated me in a different way and I never got to do anything with his cock so I was pleased with my ability to have an orgasm which was wonderful but those subby feelings did not leave. I would’ve looked crazy if I said “yes thank you for this orgasm but can you please fuck my face now as I play a little bit?”
The next day I found myself sitting on the floor in his room while I was trying to get myself together . I needed to be on the floor it’s usually where I center myself before sessions and the floor just being lower to the ground helps with those feelings. At some point while I sat there he came into the room and sat next to me to chat for bit – asked what I was doing – said I was just chilling out . And I found him to be in the perfect position for what I needed . So I asked if I could ask a question – he responded with – is this question going to get you in trouble ? I say no . Then I ask if I could sit on the floor between his legs with my head on his lap. He said he wouldn’t mind but he wasn’t staying in the room he was going into the living room to get some stuff done (ppl were in the living room however) . I said ok cool . I didn’t act out or anything . I could feel myself sinking I knew I wasn’t getting it and as the day progressed the feelings got worse . Later that evening we had a disagreement and he mentioned how needy I had been acting the past two days . And it was in that moment I realized I was doing a shit job at trying not to alert him to my issue. The next night here we are again and we’re on the couch alone in the living room watching tv and I’m ready to pop because I really need to get myself in a submissive position . I knew by this day if not I would find myself spilling over with emotions everywhere which would not have been a good scene.
He looks at me and asks if I’d like to help him get the living room cleaned and I looked with what I can only assume is a whiny face . And he says “so you don’t want to help me clean the living room” at this point I’m sure my voice was whiny too I said – I do want to help you clean the living but I was just about to make a request before you asked” “Sadie, what do you need” and I told him what I was thinking and he gave a me a look – which his looks mean a lot of different things . I took it to mean that my request was pushing it a bit but he’d oblige. Pushing it in the way that this was not a peer to peer request . So I helped get the living room cleaned up and when I came back the coffee table was pushed back he gestured towards his lap. I got up from my seat on the couch and sat in between his legs with my head nesting on his lap with my eyes closed while he rubbed and patted my head. It was in that moment that I sat on the ground near his feet and I breathed a sigh of relief . – Sadie ❤
You can read my last ramblings post here – My Marks….My Memories