It’s late in the day on Tuesday and for the first time since I’ve participated in TMI Tuesdays the prompt isn’t up for today. Normally it comes out on Monday evenings so I hope the blogger who writes it is somewhere sipping my thais and is not sick. So I figured as I sit here while my dinner simmers on the stove I will do a bit of rambling. I recently posted my first ramblings the other day and you can find if here . There was a line in that post “I enjoy the close feelings that it fulfills for me…and yes I know that there are easier ways to feel close…like cuddling.” It got me to really thinking about that idea of the need for more control in certain periods of time versus the softness of gentle touch. I know I say often that i’m still working on the why? to my desires and i’m not the best at articulating how I feel to my vanilla friends or people who aren’t in the know but I will try. I want to talk about the difference between my need for control and not cuddles in times of sadness or when I just can’t get the thoughts in my mind straight.
I’ve had a tough three to four days, I know we all have periods of time where we are just down and out whether its from literal physical sickness, stress at work or problems in relationships. How we express those feelings vary – some people cry, others punch a punching bag, some people write and others may just stand on the roof and scream at the top of there lungs. I find that depending on how Iow I feel determines what I need. I am sensitive so my emotions often come out in the form of tears against my will. I say against my will because I hate crying but sometimes I need to. There are times where i’m sad and all I want to do is lay in Wickeds arms with my head up against his chest as he holds me tight and cry. I don’t want to say any words. I don’t want to talk about my issue. I just want to cry and snot then gather myself and when another thought hits me then cry and snot again. There are also times when i’m sad but I don’t want to cry and mope around but i’d be laying next to him and he’d put out his hand to bring me closer and the moment my face is up against his skin I melt into a ball of tears. In that instance feeling rather embarrassed afterwards. Wicked is great at just being still and allowing me to release whatever emotions I feel and sometimes that can be a rant.
I’ve determined that if i’m just feeling sad whether something went wrong at work or I hurt someones feelings or someone hurt my feelings then I want and need cuddles. If I had a shit day and i’m just worn out then I need cuddles. I want that soothing its going to be okay feeling. If i’m feeling needy and I haven’t seen him in a few days then I need cuddles. The cuddles, his soothing tone and conversation on how it will be better in those situations will do its job and the end result will be that i’m starting to feel better and i’m happy. A good example for the need for cuddles was my wedding anniversary. I am a divorcee and my wedding anniversary this year hit me pretty hard and I needed cuddles but he was not in town. So I had to make do with virtual cuddles – he let me cry it out on the phone, he gave me a pep talk, encouraged me to not lay in my bed all day in the dark and to go out with my other partner Double mint so I wouldn’t be so depressed. The end result was me feeling better and more encouraged. In that situation I did not need control, I needed cuddles. This sums up when i’m in need of cuddles. But there are situations where i’m sad or my mind is jumbled and i’m not fantasizing about laying in Wicked’s arms crying it out but instead i’m fantasizing about the freedom and peace of being at Sirs feet.
There are situations where I need control not cuddles, where what I yearn for is Sirs control. In those instances I can still be feeling just as sad as above but cuddles wont give me the outcome that I need. Cuddles will instead put a bandage on a wound that will remain until its sewn up properly. Bear with me – i’m trying to explain this in as clear of English that makes sense to me..which means it may not make sense to you but i’m trying. I need control when my mind is consumed with bad feelings that I can’t get rid of, I need control in situations where the things that I control in my normal life are all going to shit, I need control when i’m sad because I’ve done something wrong and I want a resolution so that I don’t repeat the process, I need control when i’m so sad that I can’t control my emotions because my emotions leave me cloudy and unable to focus properly or I need control when I’ve tried everything I can but I don’t feel like any of it is working. In those times I desire Sirs control and I don’t want the cuddles, tears and the draining of my soul via my emotions. Although he can bring all of that out of me in a different.
His control comes with rules, confines, learning and punishments but in those same confines and under his control my mind is free from the problems of the world. When I kneel by his side i’m not worried about my text messages, that thing that’s fucked up at work, what day date night will be, who’s calling me, what I have to cook for dinner or a whole host of things. I’m not consumed by my bad feelings or what should’ve, could’ve or would’ve happened had I done something differently. My mind is not on the rat race of thoughts. In that time I don’t want to be in control because sometimes being in control is hard. In that time I just want to listen and not have to make decisions. Its the peacefulness and stillness that sessions give me. In sessions I may be in a compromising position, feeling lots of pleasure or even pain, having my senses overloaded but the one thing that is for sure is that i’m not focused on everything else in my world. So when i’m so sad that I can’t see straight or my mind is completely overwhelmed I need Sirs control because the end result is clarity I’ve only experienced after sessions. There is something about sessions that completely clears my mind and cleanses me of my cloudiness. Stick with me…I know i’m sounding a bit crazy but you have to experience it so i’m trying my best to use my words. After sessions i’m at my happiest and my mind is the most clear. I feel balanced afterwards when I went in on unsteady ground. I see things more clearly and my understanding is better. Its almost like a miracle drug.