poly

Jealousy & Envy….Is Being Poly Hard?

[This post was originally started two months ago as a point of reference 🙂 Seven days ago is not really seven days. You can find a full update to it all at the end ]

I set the title for this blog seven days go…but only the title. There were no words or thoughts specifically about it but I knew that I wanted to dig deep into the question because I feel like there’s a misconception that poly people have it easier since everyone knows everything in a poly relationship, there are no secret partners so there’s no way to “cheat”. Or that poly people can’t experience hard feelings or feelings of jealousy because we know what we signed up for. I knew when I set the title for the post what my answer to the question would be because that was simple but the depth to it was a bit more complicated. The short is No being Poly is not hard however navigating what it means and the feelings involved in being apart of a Poly relationship can be hard, it takes work and practice like any other relationship. You learn and you grown with hopes of eventually falling into a groove. Eventually you get into that groove but in the interim there are feelings to work through and things to work out.

There is an order in poly relationships because there are multiple people and in a lot of cases everyone doesn’t become partners at the same time. In this case there are three of us currently in a relationship with Wicked. All of our relationships are individual and unique, we are not all the same. Although we’ve come in at different times he’s good about keeping things pretty even keeled and creating the balance necessary to keep it successful. I applaud him for that because women in general can be very fickle and deeply emotional….so imagine that times three. I personally don’t think that I could date three women at once and I like women but three of me would be way too much for anyone to handle lol. We all are also dating other people. I feel the need to say that so that some people don’t read this and think he’s building a harem lol…..laugh it was meant to be funny.

Jelly Bean is #1 and I say number one not in a pecking order way but only in the way in which we entered his life. He’s been in a relationship the longest with her. We’ve met and we’ve gone out to do things together which are always a good time. I remember the first day I met her, she had a really spunky personality, spoke freely about what was on her mind and was a genuinely nice person. She’s continues to live up to that, there’s not been an instance in the time i’ve known her that she’s strayed from that. I enjoy seeing them together as a couple, I like the pictures that I get of them together – I always find them cute and there chatter about things that are specific to there relationship is always refreshing to hear. Often times i’ll kind of sit back and just listen & enjoy because I have nothing to add to those specific conversations i.e theater but I enjoy seeing the person its brings out of him when they talk. With that being said for a while I didn’t even think she liked me, because i’m not great at reading people and I would ask Wicked if she’s getting tired of seeing my face etc. Him having a better read on her would tell me no everything is okay, you’re fine and she does like you. Over time I did find that to be true, that she does actually like me. She has been the longest of us girls practicing poly so the initial feelings that we (#2 & #3) may have in regards to each other and our place in his life I don’t feel she has. Because again it takes time and practice so at this point I feel like she’s very practiced and has had a lot of experience in it.

Kit Kat is number #2 and they have a long distance D/s relationship. Its a successful long distance relationship because they both put in the effort and make time for it to work. We recently met and she’s a very nice person. She was reserved at first but as we continued to talk and spend time together she blossomed and the conversation was great. She had a open vibe and was freeing in her conversation, my kind of girl. It took a while to get her to that point but I understood the struggle when it comes to talking with me. I like people that are open and can just talk and talk freely which i’ve seen her be capable of but I think the way our relationship started in the beginning has caused her to stay in her shell a bit. I liked there dynamic, I could see why he enjoys spending time with her. They are a good couple and are cute together. With that being said the road to us meeting was a bumpy one but once we met we were both very relieved. I came after Kit Kat so there were feelings of replacement, issues with the order we entered his life and maybe even inadequacy. These feelings were understandable because its hard when there’s a new partner and I know i’d likely have similar feelings if he chose to take on another. I was doing well with dealing with that because I understood and I know that order plays a part. It’s much easier when you are the new person then when your position changes. Let’s just say it was a bit of a roller coaster but we survived with Wicked’s help because it wasn’t easy. We may be poly but we are still human and do have feelings. People tend to think you can’t have certain feelings because you chose this life….but yes you can.

I am lucky #3, I am the last of Wicked’s partners currently…last meaning not that I will be his last partner in life but that I was the last one to enter his life. I’m the newbie, i’m the new kid on the block. I think when people think about that the thought would be I would have no issues because I didn’t have to work through someone or someones coming after me. I would have no issues because i’m the shiny new thing and the feelings of being replaced or not being adequate would not be there. Although it may be easier being the new person and not having to deal specifically with those feelings…its not all easy. I’m here to tell you although I am new and I haven’t had to work on those things I still have issues pretty similar to the Kit Kat and I issue but in a very different way. Wicked & I recently had an issue that really made me sit and think . And I said to myself “Self what’s the *real” issue because what you are presenting is not it. These little things are not the issue. He’s frustrated and you’re frustrated and it needs to be fixed” Now self will give you a word when you need it lol.

I noticed that I was getting upset about some really small things that were starting to feel like much bigger things because of the underlying issue – for example he recently shared something we had spoken about that wasn’t actually private and it was shared on a phone call with Him, Jelly Bean & Kit Kat and I was really upset about it . And I packed it on top of some smaller things that I was upset about which made it worse and those feelings ran rampant. So I had to break it down in my mind and the end result was I didn’t have an issue with him sharing, I don’t have an issue with either of my metamours or him being in a relationship with them. My core issue and feelings come solely because of my place as #3. I know what you’re thinking…you shouldn’t have any issues because in the order of things your place is the easiest….sadly its not.

The core issue is that i’m envious and that envy quickly creates jealous feelings so not only am I envious but I am also jealous as a result of that envy. I know that Jelly Bean doesn’t have any hard feelings in reference to me and that Kit Kat also doesn’t but I know she may feel like I have it better because him and I are not long distance and are much closer in proximity. However I feel like they both have it better then me because they have deeper relationships that they’ve grown over time and we’re still at the beginning stages. I’m envious of there position in his life for multiple reasons but one of the bigger ones is that they’ve been in a relationship with him longer and as a result of that they’re relationships are stronger, they know more then me and he tells them more. I was starting to have a major issue with him sharing about us with them but not only us but things that go on in his life in general. I was feeling like he was giving them way more information about our personal disputes, details of our dates etc then what he was sharing with me. I was starting to feel shut out because when we spoke it seemed as if he was vague about interactions with them. I was feeling like he never told me real details about there disputes but he was giving them all the details about our.

The first problem was that I was assuming and we had never spoke about it so I was piling on my own feelings based off of what I created in my mind. I was feeling all of that because that envious part felt like “man he shares more with them because they have deeper relationships and because i’m new I just haven’t made it to that point and I want him to share everything with me too. ” The piece of information he shared with them might’ve been within 3 days of him and I talking about it so I felt like he told them super fast and that made me jealous because I want him to share with me in that way. On top of that he said it was on a call that they were all on *together*, so I immediately felt like well dang I wasn’t apart of that because we all don’t have that type of relationship yet so i’m not privy and it made me envious because I wanted to be apart of it. But when we talked about it I was able to see that I was trippin out and I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I was seeing things through special colored glasses. I let my feelings of envy cloud my good sense. It was not at all what I was thinking and I should have been better about communicating my feelings before allowing it to get to that point.

A good example of how envy manifests into jealously is my feelings on time spent with him. Jelly Bean & Wicked have been together the longest and they also live together. I do struggle with being jealous about that because he’s always there and they can talk about anything at anytime. She gets to see him every day , talk to him everyday, look at him everyday etc. The funny thing is that when it comes to Kit Kat her main issue was us being so close in proximity with him living about 15 minutes from me but her living in another state. But the truth is i’m jealous about his visits with her because although I live closer it is different. When he takes a trip to her state he stays for multiple days just him and her not Jelly bean or me. So she gets to have him all to herself and I don’t get that. I get a few hours in a day, maybe an overnight sleep over every now and then. But Kit Kat gets him all to herself alone for days and Jelly Bean can do the same. I can’t because I live up the street and I also don’t live with him, so we have our dates and overnights every now and then. There’s this part of me that I guess fears we wont ever get to that place because just the dynamic of our relationship is different.

The point is we have our individual issues for many different reasons like any other relationship. The key is working through them.

Fast Forward Two Months…..

It’s been two months since I’ve written this post and having the ability to look back and reflect on my thoughts from that time has proven to be useful. There is a part of me that cringed at reading certain parts because I remember those strong feelings in the moment, I remember what I was feeling and why. I could have easily chosen to sit down and start from scratch with only the feelings and thoughts that I have today. But it’s a journey and that is apart of my story. I always say that I’m forever a work in progress because it’s true. I can see the growth I’ve made since this post, I can see the changes I’ve made and the things that I still struggle with . My feelings and fears at the time were valid emotions but i’m at a place now where i’m a lot more secure in our relationship and my place in it. Now I may miss him terribly when he goes out of town to visit Kit Kat and vis versa but I don’t have those same jealous and envious feelings I had before. I’m now more understanding and empathetic because I know how it feels to be away from him for 10 days so I can imagine how she’d feel after 30 days. I don’t have that same underlying fear that he’s just going to run off in the sunset with her on a one way ticket and never come back. I understand that just because he’s out of town it doesn’t mean that he does not miss me or out of sight out of mind, he’s shown me that. I don’t have those same envious feelings about him living with Jelly Bean and there ability to see each other everyday. I understand that its normal for all of our relationships to be in various stages because of the amount of time spent. Its not realistic to expect the same depth in a relationship for example 2 days in…in comparison to 3 months in.

I can reflect today on how I ended the post two months ago with being fearful that we wouldn’t reach certain depths in our relationship when here and now i’m fearful of getting in too deep. Its amazing what time can do for you. The same rare overnights I complained about are now not because the door is not opened for them because both him and Jelly Bean have invited me to stay over on more then one occasion. Its because there’s a part of me that still very much guards my heart and feels like too much of that would pull me in to deep. Depth has lead to heart break in my past so its interesting to read that I was so concerned about it then but for very different reasons. Whereas now I am very particular about overnights with him because I know how they make me feel and that scares me a bit…it scares the once heart broken side of me…the divorced side of me…the wounded side of me.

Jelly Bean and I have had some good times together both alone and with Wicked since this post. I feel like we’ve been able to find a commonality where we can connect. I enjoy hanging out with her, she invites me to outings and vis versa. We can have conversation without him and I enjoy that. I look for a true friendship in my metamours I don’t want to go out together and all the conversation is about him…I could do without that because then that means there’s really nothing for us to talk about. We are very different people but where our common points meet its useful. I feel like there’s a balance that’s there that I enjoy. We always have something to talk about.

Kit Kat and I are a work in progress, it hasn’t been an easy road. I enjoy her company when we are together but there is an awkwardness that we’re still working on because of how our relationship started off. I think its a little harder because we don’t see each other very often and it almost feels like starting over again every time we see each other in terms of re introduction. She has a great personality, we’re friendly with each other and we’ve been able to correspond a little more which is helpful. I know that it’s not a requirement for us to be genuine friends but that is what I want so i’m working towards that. I can admit to sitting in Wicked’s lap rather recently crying in regards to her and I’s relationship and my concerns. In the beginning I was open to being her friend and super friendly but she was still working on having fearful feelings about me since I was new . It was less about me and more about me being the new partner in his life that Iived locally and I understood that. But at some point the pendulum shifted and she was becoming fine with me but I was uneasy about her because my feelings were hurt. It hurt to feel like my friendliness was being rejected in the beginning, I knew it wasn’t personal but i’m human and my little heart was bruised. I know we’ve both shed tears in regards to one another but I know like with everything in time it will be better, the true friendship I know it could be not just friendly. We both share the same understanding partner who has and is working hard with us so that we can get to that place.

I enjoy a good poly date, it really makes my heart smile. I like the peacefulness, i like that we can all get a long and can be friends. I like that we find happiness in each others happiness. The other day we were out walking in the gardens and holding hands, that made me happy. I liked that he could walk in the middle of us and hold both of our hands, I can’t fully express in words how that made me fell. I am happy to be poly and that may not be everyone’s choice but i’m happy with mines . Now sadly he doesn’t have three hands lol but he has three girlfriends . In the event that we were all there I wouldn’t have had a problem giving up his hand and holding either Jelly Bean or Kit Kats hand….not in a girl I want to hump you way but in a we’re all friends way 🙂

Being in a poly relationship is as easy or difficult as any monogamous relationship. At that basis of things it’s a group of relationships and each relationship is different. You have to work on yourself and your relationship in order for it to be successful. I think the key to success in a poly relationship is being considerate, communicating and realizing that time is shared – its not your time even though you think it is. Its not his time even though he thinks it is. Its our time. Experiencing feelings of jealousy or envy don’t make you any less poly, its about how you work through and process those feelings. I’m no where near perfect and neither are our individual relationships. But I know that I always want to see him happy and I always want to see them happy..that happiness lies in the individual relationships we have with him that links us all together. Everyday is not a good day full of roses, sunshine and rainbows but it’s worth it. I wouldn’t trade him in, I wouldn’t trade them in. We are all connected. We are all in relationship. We are all family. – Sadie ❤

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2 thoughts on “Jealousy & Envy….Is Being Poly Hard?”

  1. I really appreciate your taking time to write about your journey in this. I’m happy to have you as part of us.

    Like

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