A to Z Challenge

A is for…….Acceptance {A to Z Challenge 2019}

Yesterday I spent a large portion of my time thinking about what I wanted to have as a theme for the A to Z challenge. I came up with a whole host of things….Wicked & I, my kinks, BDSM, sex etc. I struggled a bit with how I could create a story in chronological order from A to Z to go with the theme. I sat down and made a list of the different topics but things change. I could easily write about things that would garner more views and followers, but I’ve always been a writer who writes the best when it just flows from my mind like ink flowing from a pen. And when I finally decided to sit here and type….none of those themes flowed freely. I’ve decided i’m going to give in to the free flowing thoughts and make the theme “me” which encompasses a lot and is a big deal because I am the person who does not like to talk about me. And when I do talk about me I give only the tid bits of what I want you or anyone else to know. But this is a challenge and so I will challenge myself to speak freely and give more of me then i’m used to in an effort to help others.

Acceptance1: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable His theories have gained widespread acceptance.2: the act of accepting something or someone the fact of being accepted :APPROVALacceptance of responsibility3lawan agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another so that a contract is concluded and the parties become legally bound

It took me a very long time to accept myself as a person. It took me an even longer time to live in my truth and realize that I was not the person that my parents were molding me to be. It sounds crazy but I had to accept that I had a mind of my own, could make decisions on my own and didn’t need to be held down by what everyone else wanted or needed me to be. It took far longer for me to accept that I was “different” based on societies view and I didn’t fit into its picture. My mom would always call me her flower child and I couldn’t figure out why. Even back then I lived to the beat of my own drum but that drum had many masters. My peers were a master. Church was a master. Parents were a master. Love was a master. Although I was playing the song with a little bit of my personal flair… they were were writing it.

I was living the life that I thought fit me best….I had to accept that it was a lie

I was living the life of a happy person….I had to accept that I was depressed

I was living the life of a monogamous person….I had to accept that I was poly

I was living the life of a devout religious saint….I had to accept that I didn’t believe

I was living the life of a heterosexual….I had to accept that I liked a little bit of everything.

I was living the life of a vanilla person…..I had to accept that I was truly kinky

I was living the life of a person in control…I had to accept that I really preferred to submit

I was living the life of a wife….I had to accept that it wasn’t for me

Today I am accomplished by having gone through the process of grief then denial then anger then depression and finally acceptance of all the things above. I am still working on accepting the things I deem as the more difficult parts of myself, the things that I wish I could change. I am a super emotional being and I often say that I run off of “feels.” My heart is the driving force in most of my decisions so pragmatic thinking isn’t my strong spot. The problem with your heart running things is that it can be easily bruised. I am a work in progress and I have to accept the things of the now.

Right Now…..

I’m living the life of an emotionally stable person on the outside….I have to accept that i’m needy. And accept that its okay to need encouragement and assurance when i’m weak.

I’m living the life of someones who has got their shit together on the outside…..I have to accept that I truly feel stagnant on the inside.

I’m living the life of someone who is incapable of love again…..I have to accept that my past pains have stunted me. And accept that I won’t be able to move past that until I let my guard down and allow for the Sadie that’s capable of loving deeper then an ocean to come from out of hiding.

A is for Acceptance – Sadie ❤

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