Sir

What I Learned From My First Formal BDSM Session. Submissive Ramblings – {Sir Week}

There’s still so much about my own submissive nature that I want to learn and have a deeper understanding about. I’d love to understand it from the basis of my desires, the why. Why do I get pleasure from pleasing someone else? Why do I want to be lead and not lead? Why do I feel most free in sex when I’m not in control? Why does the feeling of being used turn me on? Why do I feel so fulfilled by following instruction? Why do I feel most free in life when I’ve relinquished my power? Why does being hit make me wet and wanting more? The list goes on and on and even deeper but those are the basics. I’ve spent a very long time hiding my natural desires and feelings…at first because I really wasn’t sure that they were normal. Once I determined that they were normal and there were people out there like me….I still hide them because I wasn’t sure that my desires would be accepted as the “norm” by partners, I didn’t want to scare anybody away. I felt like a walking taboo because up until my personal realization of my own desires and needs I had never heard anyone mention it. There was nothing in sex education class about this, there was no talk about it in the birds & bees conversation and there was definitely nothing in the movies that I saw that would have lead me to feel confident and comfortable in my skin in regards to my submissiveness and my kinks.

( You’ll have to read The Evaluation first before reading this because this is whole post is a reference to that. You’ll be quite confused if you hadn’t read it 🙂 )

I walked into my session really nervous and one of the first things that started to ease that feeling was Sir’s closeness to me. Before the session started he made a point to be very close to me and to rub my shoulders, talk in a low tone which helped make me feel a little less nervous. There was something about it that really started to give me that soothing feeling. It was good for me to hear that he was happy to have me there. The thing that made me feel at peace and eased a lot of my nervousness was the cane game. As I was working through Sir’s instruction I wasn’t focused on anything else. I had no clue why we were doing it or where it would lead…my mind was only focused on listening intently and getting it right. When I realized that my foot was literally on the edge of the top of the staircase and I could tumble down in one move but he had me, that brought my level of anxiousness and nervousness down about four levels. When I stood there while Sir held me tight and explained the basis of the D/s relationship and how trust plays its part it made me feel so much better…to know that he had me, describing that feeling is hard to explain. You would have needed to be there to truly understand. Mid way through the session I had this release of emotion while I was strapped to the bed. It came in the form of tears as a reaction to the overwhelming stimulus I was experiencing at the time. Now I’ve cried many tears in my day but this was different. It was unexpected and it felt good, like it was just what I needed. I wasn’t feeling hurt, sad, bad or any other negative term, it just felt good. Too bad I can’t articulate or put that feeling into words but it was a light bulb moment for me and it really stood out along with Sir’s response to it.

The sex with Sir was another big one that left me with so many feelings. It was one of those things where I feel like I was pushed the most, felt really fulfilled in and gained a lot from. I like both sensual sex and rough sex. I enjoy the slow, soft and really intimate parts of sensual sex. I enjoy the music playing, soft but deliberate touches, looking into each other’s eyes and kissing. I enjoy rough sex because I also want the animalistic side, the fuck me so hard I can barely take a breath sex, fuck me so deep it hurts…but it hurts so good sex. Grab me by the hair and make me tell you I’m yours kind of sex. The difference for me is that although I enjoy sensual sex I’ve never craved it in the way that I do the rougher sex. And even deeper then craving rougher sex is the desire to be used for pleasure. I enjoyed sex with Sir very much, it felt quite freeing. For me sometimes in sensual sex I struggle with wanting more because since I don’t have regular D/s play there isn’t much of an outlet for that side of me so every so often I find myself slipping up during sensual sex asking for more. I can’t turn off my submissive side although at times I try so it is difficult when there isn’t away for me to express that side of myself. The more..being rougher stuff, like being choked a little, having my hair grabbed or power exchange sex in general. Sex with Sir was great because I didn’t have to ask, I got what I wanted which was for him to be in full control but not only that..feeling like I fulfilled my role.

[ Recently I had a first time experience in my romantic relationship which i will expand on in a future blog post. But this is a good example of how my mind works and how I often slip into a place I shouldn’t necessarily be in while in the midst of romance. I was using a vibrator to help me have an orgasm in that situation and it happened pretty fast. Lately I’ve been trying to break myself out of the habit of always needing for my mind to place me in a submissive role in order to cum. And its not been the easiest because its been taking me forever to cum recently, but I want to work on the mindset that’s specific to that setting since there’s a time and place for everything. In this scenario it was feeling good, I was enjoying the experience, I knew I could have an orgasm and I knew how to make it fairly fast once I let my mind run. Now the situation was more sensual…really intimate, slow and easy, there was a romantic feel to it and I enjoyed that because I enjoy sensual sex but the caveat is that I can’t orgasm when I think of things in a sensual manner. Instead I didn’t worry about censoring myself in my mind and let my imagination work. What made me orgasm was thinking about it like he was fucking my….for his pleasure and using me. That I was his little slut and telling him to fuck my little….the way he wanted to in my mind. Had I thought about it in reality which I was truly enjoying I knew I wouldn’t have been able to cum. Its another one of those things that I can’t explain for the life of me, because I really enjoyed everything about that particular sensual experience so I don’t know why thinking about in its true form just doesn’t do it for me enough to bring me to orgasm. ]

I had a great experience with my session overall and it definitely left me wanting more. Now just because it was great doesn’t mean that it was easy and it wasn’t challenging or in some moments harder then others because I was being pushed for sure. The last thirty minutes of sex with Sir was hard, it was hard because I had already been being fucked pretty rough for a long time, I was tired and exhausted by that point from everything else that had already been going on for that extended period of time. I was literally physically finished and you could see it in the way I moved or better yet didn’t really move but instead just let it go in a “have it your way kind of relinquishing” . The interesting thing is that even though I was totally spent and exhausted, even though I was being pushed and it was a challenge it was not displeasurable to me. I still enjoyed it because I was there for Sir’s pleasure and being used in whatever way he liked turned me on. This is another one of those things that is hard for me to explain because again I don’t know all the whys. I know you’d think if something is tough you’d want to stop and be done. But it wasn’t that at all for me and it translated in a very different way which I guess is one of the things that makes me a submissive. In my mind the thought of being done didn’t even cross it. I didn’t want to be done and I didn’t want to stop because I knew this is what made Sir feel good, its the position he wanted, the motion he wanted, at the pace that he wanted, the sounds he desired and to be pleasing to him even if it is tough is satisfying to me because i’m fulfilling my purpose.

There was a thing I noticed almost immediately that was a major change as a result of my sex with Sir during the session. The very next day was the first time I really saw and felt the change. And i’ll admit I was quite surprised because I knew that I would have left the experience feeling like I grew some and was fulfilled. However I would’ve never thought that this particular experience would’ve given me something i’d been trying to gain the courage and work on my own for quite some time. I gained confidence from my experience with Sir in an area of my life that I had been struggling with for years. To gain confidence to be more vocal in life from a situation where I was in total submission was the last thing I thought i’d get from it. In my romantic relationship its peer to peer and i’m not supposed to act in a submissive way so to gain confidence at a peer to peer level was surprising to me. For years I’ve talked about how I’ve always wanted to be more verbal during sex. I’ve always felt that I struggle big time with verbalization when it comes to sex whether it was saying what I need to in order to initiate or the things I wanted to be able to say that were really on my mind. Because I’ve had a hard time with my perception as a woman during sex I’ve always been pretty closed lipped and shy, when it comes to saying actual words. You’ll have to read Sex Communication & The Role Your Past Plays in order to get more detail on that. During sex you can definitely tell when I’m enjoying it and when I’m into it through the way my body reacts and my moans. But past the moans and responsiveness of my body you really don’t get much more out of me in terms of verbalization, in terms of full sentences. I’ll say fuck or yes but that’s about it. I’ve always wanted to say the real things on my mind like “I’d really like for you to fuck me deeper” or “I like the way you feel inside of me my pussy” of “I want you to cum for me” . I however have never gotten myself to shake off the shyness but more so the worry about being perceived as a slutty girl or of being too into sex so my mind would run with all sort of naughty things but they’d never make it out of my mouth.

My session with Sir changed that and I noticed it the very next day and even more so in the weeks that have followed. Sex with Sir is much different then sex in my romantic relationship. 
As I explained in session I’m there for Sir’s pleasure, to be lead and my mind and body to be used in anyway he likes. I don’t question, I follow. When I noticed it the next day I was surprised how something like that could change what I feel like I had been working on forever. During sex with Sir he instructed me even before we started having sex that he wanted to hear me and how I felt. And during it he instructed me to say specific things….things I would have never found the gumption to say on my own in romantic sex. I think doing that showed me that “hey I could do this”. Now i’m not saying i’m perfect at it and don’t sometimes question myself but I am wayyy better. In every session we’ve had sex in my romantic relationship since the session with Sir I have said a thing or two of what’s on my mind.

As for the little things I learned about myself there were a few things that I learned some significant and others not so much. I learned right at the beginning that it’s hard to keep your head up and your eyes down. It’s much easier to keep your head down and eyes down so i’ll have to practice that. Sir doesn’t want me to hold my head low since it doesn’t reflect the dignity a sub should have. I learned that the stimulation of first pleasure then pain then pleasure then pain can stir up an uncontrollable reaction. I learned that I could take more then I thought I suppose and this is in reference to spankings. I’ve always known about my really enjoying and having a desire to be spanked but I wasn’t really sure of how i’d react to things other then open hand smacks. Open hand smacks are wonderful there’s just something about that. You can see a short clip of that in TMI Tuesday I’ve always been interested in and had the desire to be hit with other things on my ass..belt, cane, flogger etc but again I wasn’t sure what that would feel like to me. I really enjoyed the different stings I got from the hits of the varying objects.

To tidy it all up with a pretty bow… My experience was very positive and at no point did I regret this choice. I am grateful to Sir for giving me the opportunity to be evaluated and to show myself to him. I’d feel privileged to have the opportunity to be of service to him again. – Sadie ❤

Monday’s blog for Sir Week : Waiting with Bated Breath – The Emails I’d Been Waiting For Tuesday’s blog for Sir Week : My BDSM Aftercare Kit – What’s in it and why? Wednesday’s blog for Sir Week : “He’s Just Tryna Fuck A lot” Thursday’s blog for Sir Week : The Evaluation – Details from My First Formal BDSM Session

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3 thoughts on “What I Learned From My First Formal BDSM Session. Submissive Ramblings – {Sir Week}”

  1. “I’ve always wanted to be more verbal during sex. I’ve always felt that I struggle big time with verbalization when it comes to sex whether it was saying what I need to in order to initiate or the things I wanted to be able to say that were really on my mind. Because I’ve had a hard time with my perception as a woman during sex I’ve always been pretty closed lipped and shy, when it comes to saying actual words….”
    – this, x1,000
    If only women (my wife!) would be more open about expressing what they really want sexually. We want to please you. What’s the point in hiding what you want?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its so much harder then you think lol! I know its all in our minds but the mind is a tricky thing. Its taken me a very long time to get to this place 🙂

      Like

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