Around 1pm on the day of my first session I had a conversation with someone I considered to be a friend that left me feeling off balance. I am what Sir has called kink curious so I’ve had some kinky play in different settings but never a full formal session. This kinky play has been with Candyland (name changed for privacy reasons). I was excited to tell Candyland about my first formal session. I wanted him to know about just how much I was looking forward to it and how I had a few butterflies. I wanted to talk to him about the different feelings I was having etc. There are very few people in my life who know about my interest in this type of relationship so I was happy that he would be the one person I could talk to and not only talk to but speak freely. We talk just about once a week depending on whats happening in our lives at the time, either on the phone or on hangouts. He know’s about my romantic relationship with Wicked, he know’s about my romantic relationship with DoubleMint and he also knows about my interest in D/s play. Him and I have had some D/s play together but nothing that involved full on sex or formal sessions…just casual play. I did enjoy that time and used it as an outlet for my pent up desire. He lives in a different state and the choice to sever ties was mines because over time I was not interested in casual play. I got to a point where I was interested in a formal D/s relationship with submission and dedication to one person for the long term. I knew it wouldn’t have worked because of the distance but more importantly because I didn’t think his particular form of domination would have worked for me long term and could’ve fulfilled my specific needs. In any case we moved on and continued to be friends that talk about pretty much everything. We have not been involved in a D/s capacity for well over a year nor have we seen each other in that time either.
(Below you will find pieces of the conversation, unfortunately I couldn’t just screen capture the full convo….but you’ll get the point 🙂 I have since learned there’s an app for what I was trying to capture here. Since he was at work and I was off work this conversation took place on hangouts)
When I started the conversation I was hoping to have a fun, fulfilling and encouraging conversation with him but instead I got the opposite . And I was very very surprised. It took me aback for sure. I got negativity, judgement and jealousy filled with much misinformation. It ended up being a much harder talk then expected. It was not at all the kind of conversation I wanted to be having on what I considered my special day. On the day where I was supposed to be focused on getting myself ready, making sure everything was together and centering myself I really didn’t want this bull shit. I was just 7 hours out from my session and it left me sad and crying. And the one person I could talk to about it I really didn’t want to call…which was Wicked . I didn’t want to call because although there are two different sides to the relationship romantic and D/s I didn’t want him to hear me so upset about it. I just hated the timing of it all. Ultimately after hemming and hawing over it I called him because I knew I needed to call him. I knew had I not called it would’ve set a new tone for the remainder of my day which I didn’t want.
I text him and tell him I need to talk and he tells me to call. I call and for the first maybe two minutes I just cried because I was so upset. I was upset because I considered this person to be a friend. I was upset because this person that didn’t even know him had made such awful assumptions and said bad things about him. I was upset because this person who had claimed to really be in the community just said he thought specific parts of it are bullshit. I was upset because I shelved the conversation instead of going all the way in which I would normally do. I was so full of emotion because instead of explaining my point and cursing him out I chose to be the bigger person and it angered me to the point of tears. Because what I wanted to say was “Listen you don’t even know him and here you are talking out of your ass based on nothing. You didn’t even give me the chance to really talk about it before you went off on your own soap box. You’re so jealous about me taking on a D/s relationship with him that you completely forgot about being my friend” That’s the abridged version without all the extra curse words lol . Once I could gather myself I start explaining to Wicked what’s going on and he understands as usual. Before I get everything out about what happened he knew what I was going to say. In his normal soothing tone that usually starts with “ohhh honeyyy” he makes everything better . He makes me laugh and smile in the conversation to get my mind off of the madness. I never told him what exactly was said about him or that anything was specifically said about him to begin with but moreso about the wrong things said about D/s etc. I didn’t think it was important because I knew what was being said wasn’t true.
In my conversation with Wicked he talked about jealously and how feelings of possession would have lead to this type of reaction from him. And he was right! As I read back through the conversation between Candyland and I for the purpose of writing this blog post I realized I missed a major part of the conversation. I didn’t even see it and in hindsight had I seen it , I would’ve likely backed down from talking about it all together and left it for another time . I’ll leave that message below. He wrote that just before going on and on about everything else. I think based off of the other things said in the conversation that he feels like he’d be best the person because at least he could give me his undivided attention and it would be 1:1.
The thing that started him down the rabbit hole of crappy things to say was when I was explaining that it was an evaluation session and if Sir chooses to continue that I would work through several evaluation sessions over time. If at the end of this time Sir decided to take me on as a sub that I wouldn’t be able to be involved in any D/s relationship with anyone else. For me I consider that to be a great thing since that’s what i’m looking for. Once he heard that he started saying that it was unfair for me to not be able to be involved with anyone else but he could have another sub. So I don’t know if that triggered something in his mind and he realized there would be no chance for him and I or what. But the reality is..that ship has sailed and that prospect was gone a very long time ago.
If I could tidy everything up and put it in a nutshell Candyland thinks that Wicked is sketchy and he’s created this persona of Sir so that he could fuck a lot. He believes that because Sir has another sub that he does not take his position as Dom seriously. And because he’s both poly and a dom that he’s definitely a bull shitter. He feels like because of this Sir wouldn’t be able to dedicate the amount of time or individualized attention that I’d need. He believes it’s unfair for Sir to be able to play with other subs but that I would not be able to play with another Dom if taken into the house. Of course Candyland believes that he would be the better choice because then at least it would be 1 to 1 which is what he believes is the only way a true D/s relationship can work.
There are several problems with all of that. The first is that again my relationship with Wicked and my desire in a D/s relationship has never been a secret..Candyland has known this. He has also always known that we’re and that we have other partners including Sir’s sub. Up until the day of my session Candyland had never once mentioned any concern about my relationship with Wicked. He’s never said anything bad. He’s always been really good about our conversations involving him, I’d even venture further to say that he’d been encouraging too. I’ve never said anything to him that would make him jump so boldly into his conclusions. So you can imagine my surprise when it went down hill so fast it was like a roller coaster that lost its brakes.
Wicked’s character doesn’t need to be defended because I know him and especially not for someone who doesn’t know him and speaks in jealously. But I do have to speak my truth about a few things. Candylands view on the dynamic of how a D/s relationship should be done correctly do not align with my beliefs. I’ve always known that he had sub and I didn’t find issue in that because I believe it’s okay for Doms to have more then one sub. I however don’t think subs should have more then one Dom…that’s my personal opinion. I won’t go into grave detail about that but I’d say me personally that wouldn’t be choice. Wicked did not seek me out Iike a dog on a prowl looking for some pussy. Nor did I seek him out. When I met him I was not looking to be with him, I didn’t even know he lived in my town. I sought him out for his advice. Our paths just happened to cross and the cookies crumbled the way that they did. Lastly the idea that “He just wants to fuck a lot”- The problem with that statement is that he doesn’t need an excuse to fuck a lot. He didn’t need to make up a whole persona as a dom to trick me into believing it…just to fuck a lot. He doesn’t have a problem in the area of fucking period. There are plenty of people around the world who would love for him to sex them down willingly…that’s a story for another day.
I shared this portion of my day because I’d like any one who chooses to read this to know that even if they don’t agree, feel jealous, or uneasy about a friends choice remember that they are your friend first. I’m not saying to keep those those thoughts and feelings to yourself. I’m saying there’a a way to communicate those feelings so that your friend at the end of the conversation is not feeling sad or upset. Plus timing plays a part and to choose to let loose all of your irrational dismay on a day that your friend feels important is truly a jerk move. I can tell your from being on both sides of the spectrum as the adviser and the person someone is giving advice to….people are going to do what they want regardless. – Sadie ❤
Yesterday’s blog for Sir Week : My BDSM Aftercare Kit – What’s in it and why?
Monday’s blog for Sir Week : Waiting with Bated Breath – The Emails I’d Been Waiting For
[ I write a new blog post every Monday. Feel free to comment and follow…I don’t bite 🙂 This week is “Sir Week” and there will be a new post everyday M-F as you follow my thoughts and the journey leading up to my first formal BDSM evaluation session. I will share all the juicy details along with how I prepared, how I felt, what I learned, the highlights etc. (Correction** I will share all the details that I have permission to since Sir has complete editorial power over what I share in regards to him on this blog) It’s something I waited a long time for so I have a lot to say. Outside of being a blogger I am a big memory keeper through the use of journals, scrapbooks, daily pictures etc. I write these blogs and share them with the world for your entertainment but its also very important to me to hold onto the memories so every little and minor detail matters. Come back tomorrow 🙂 ]