“Sometimes you have to get up when you want to give up. You have to put on your boxing gloves when you want to lay down on the mat. It’s never too late to apologize. It’s never too late to show someone that you care. You are not too big to apologize for wrong doing. If you cherish what you have and you don’t want to lose it….make it right and apologize. You might look crazy in the process but if it’s worth it……got for it” – Sadie ❤
I arrived to the airport about forty minutes before he was to arrive. I wasn’t exactly sure where I should stand or be so I asked for help and found a seat in the perfect spot. It was late in the evening so there weren’t a ton of people but as it got closer to the time the flight was to arrive people started to trickle in. I sat there patiently and listened to spotify while I waited trying to level out my nerves. Because here I was in the middle of the airport at almost 11pm with a bright florescent pink sign making a big effort to show my guy that I was sorry, he meant a lot to me and I wanted to move forward in working things out. I went to the bathroom for a nervous tinkle as the time approached for his flight to land. I checked the flight arrival list and when it went changed from “in flight” to “landed” the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter. I stood up and walked towards the area in front of TSA where arriving passengers exit through the door. I had no clue where he’d be in the long line of passengers that made there way through the door so I stood there from the moment I saw the first person walk through. I opened my sign and held it in front of my body as the music played in my ears to take my concentration off of the many people that walked by reading my sign which said “Welcome Back! I’ve Missed You Terribly. Can I walk you home?” In the distance I could see him making his way down the corridor and I knew he couldn’t see me yet. I turned off my music, took a few deep breaths and held my sign up a bit higher. He walked through the door and spotted me immediately . He walked up to me with a smile, gave me a warm hug, kiss on the cheek, told me I was crazy and we walked & talked. It was nice and warm, it was what I needed and it showed him that I cared. His partner Jelly Bean and her partner Reese’s came to pick him up so we didn’t have to walk and we all took a ride back to the house together.
When I first decided to do this all I wanted was to walk him home and to show him that I cared. I wanted him to see my actions match up with my words. I wanted to walk him home and talk about how his trip to Merryland was with Kit Kat. I didn’t want to talk about the issue that we had prior to him leaving. I was only interested in making up for lost time. When I wrote growing pains a few weeks ago I ended it with “To Be Continued”. At that time I had no clue what that continuation would be…I didn’t know if I’d come back to the blog and have to say we were no longer together or we decided to work through things. In that moment I had absolutely no clue. We got into a pretty big spat on one of the worse days ever, the day before he was leaving to go out of town for a week. This is the continuation of Growing Pains for those who have been following along with my posts. And for those who haven’t you should go back and read it so that you are up to speed. And while you’re at it be sure to follow because there is one more post still left in this growing pains series of sorts.
Before he left we corresponded via email and we agreed to take some time and not talk during the week he was away. But we did have a plan to meet up when he got back to talk. He said I could pick the day and the place and all he wanted was me there. So even though we weren’t going to be having phone conversations or talking via email we did have plans to get together when he got back and that was helpful. During this time away it was a tough time because I went from talking to someone that I had talked to every single day since the day we met to not talking to them at all. To go “cold turkey” like that is hard even for someone that you’d have a solely platonic relationship so you can imagine how it felt considering we have a romantic relationship. My days that week were fulled with thoughts of him and thoughts of us , how he was doing, how he felt, what I could do to help the relationship, how I could make things better, what he ate today etc. The list went on and on. I’ll fast forward so that this blog isn’t too long and say that we did make it through that week. We did start corresponding via email midway into the week so we didn’t stop talking for the entire week. It was helpful and something that I needed however we hadn’t seen each other in that time since he was away and we also hadn’t actually spoken on the phone. I knew how he was feeling and he knew how was I was feeling as we corresponded but I made it a point not to talk about what happened prior to his leaving since we had a time set for that.
In one of our last emails before he was coming back he mentioned around what time he’d be back in town and how he might walk home, in a very casual manner. So when I responded to his email where he said he’d let me know when he landed I said something casually like i’d also like it if he told me when he was wheels up on his way back. And he did, he sent me a picture as he was on his way back which made it easier for me to pin point which flight he was on. He lives very close to the airport in our area so the walk wouldn’t have been long. Here’s where I made the decision to take a risk. The words i’m sorry mean nothing without action. When it comes to being successful with an apology I feel 1. it has to be genuine and from the heart 2. you have to be willing to take a risk and 3. the thing that I feel is the most important is that your apology has to reach the level of the feelings of the person that you wronged. Meaning if you did something and the person felt really hurt in a big way by what you did you need to apologize in a big way. You need to show that you care in a big way. You need to show that they mean a lot to you in a big way. You need your actions to match your words in a big way. I knew in this situation the way he felt and the feelings he had in reference to it were pretty serious. And I took that very seriously. So when I picked the date, the time and the place for us to meet up I knew that I wanted to show him in a big way that he mattered and our relationship was important to us.
I historically have been the absolute worst at apologizing in the past….ask my ex husband. There was just something about having to say the words I apologize or I am sorry that I could never get past. I don’t know if it was my ego or the fact that I had gotten hurt far too many times and no one cared to apologize to me. I could realize by the end of a disagreement that I was in the wrong but I just couldn’t bring myself to apologize. I would instead acknowledge by saying “I see now that was wrong” not I was wrong etc. Or i’d not say anything like that at all and instead go do something nice like bake a cake. There were even times where I’d realize I was wrong and instead of apologizing I’d just move on . I have no clue why I was like this and it took me a while to really sit down and realize that. I didn’t understand the power in a genuine apology until I was well into adulthood. And when that light bulb switched I was never the same. I came to understand that an apology without action is bullshit. I learned that apologizing and it not being from the heart is bullshit. I learned that apologies are as much for the other person as they are for you. I learned that apologies even if only but two words “I’m Sorry” when it is genuine it is the beginning of true healing. I learned that not apologizing when knowing that you’re wrong makes you a coward whether the other person realizes it or not. So when I apologize it comes from the heart and i’m serious about it now. Who knows maybe in some twisted way its me making up for the years of being an asshole.
Since he gave me the option to pick the place for us to get together when he got back, I really sat and thought about it throughout that week. During that week I emailed him with a date, time, place and an idea for lunch afterwards. The night he arrived to the airport and I surprised him was two days before the date we set up to meet to officially talk. I chose a really beautiful park in my area that has a beautiful lake in the center a long with a walking trail. On the trail there are several lookout decks that people can use to fish or just to view the scenario. This is a park that we had been to together previously and enjoyed. I decided that I would use one of the lookout decks as the place for my apology and I wanted to show him that he mattered in a big way. So I came up with the idea to buy a bunch of balloons and fake roses to decorate the deck. I purchased eight heart shaped balloons – four red heart balloons and four pink heart balloons. On this day it was abnormally warm so the whole world was outside in the park. There were many on lookers as I struggled to untangle the balloons and get them placed just right.
When he arrived I met up with him at the entrance to the park and we walked the path. As we approached the deck with the decor he mentioned how we must’ve stumbled on someones photo shoot and then it clicked for him. He looked at me and said “is this you” . I said yes and he smiled. When we got to the deck we hugged facing the water and I pulled out my mini speaker to play two songs I wanted him to hear before I started to talk. I Can Change by Lake Street Dive & You Matter to Me by Carrie Hope Fletcher, i’ll link them below. He held me as I played the songs. When the songs were over I prepared to read him what I had written up. I tried the easy way out and offered for him to read what I wrote on my phone but he said he wanted me to read it to him. I made sure to pull out my rag because I knew that I would be emotional and tears would flow….and they did. He held me as I read and sniffled and wipe my tears and took deep breaths and when I was done he talked. He explained his feelings, thoughts over the week and how our relationship is important and worth it to him to continue and work things out. When he was done we collected all the balloons that were left and walked the remainder of the path and talked. After we went to lunch and over lunch we talked more in detail about the situation that started this whole thing we realized that it was very much miscommunication on both of our parts. We were able to talk through it all and followed that up with some ice cream from cold stone. Well he had ice cream and I didn’t because I don’t do ice cream in the cold.
When we were done he drove me back to my place and…..
To Be Continued