Self Realization – My Pull Back Game is Strong!

I’m currently sitting at my dining table as I type this while also making dinner…spaghetti is boiling in the pot, meat sauce is simmering in a frying pan and green beans are anxiously awaiting to be thrown . I’m listening to a Spotify playlist that I titled Mood because it works for any mood that i’m in. I’m fresh off of a hard talk with my guy and I have lots on my mind because hard talks usually lead to a lot of follow up processing. Today is Monday and I like to write a new blog on Mondays. This was not supposed be the blog for today but with writing it has to be what comes to me naturally. So instead of posting the blog I planned for today i’m going to talk about whats on my mind. I feel like processing how I deal with my hard time on the internet today. I feel like I need to make a category specifically to overcoming hard times in a relationship….not because i’m an expert nor do I hope to be but to hopefully help those who may think like me and have some similar struggles. Nothing is perfect..not a person…not a relationship etc. We all experience hard times some harder then others and Wicked & I are no exception. I have had to do a lot of self realization in my relationship with Wicked and its been very hard for me. I’ve had to stretch myself in ways that I wouldn’t normally because I realize the value of the relationship in my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself from being in this relationship and i’m grateful for the process even when its hard, even when it hurts, even when its not rainbows and sunshine.

I should start by saying that our hard talk today was a success by all accounts even with there being a few bumps in the road. A success in the way that we made it out in one piece, that we haven’t permanently stopped talking to each other, that we were able to work through and come up with a resolution for the issue. It was a success because I was able to bring myself back from really responding in an unflattering way like I would’ve completely in the past. I would’ve allowed myself to jump into this abyss of an emotional rant and allow my emotions to be the driver of the bus. If you are asking yourself…well if the conversation was such a success why I am still having a hard time?…the answer is easy, because i’m a special kind of human being and there are lots of us out there. I’ve learned that i’m the type of person who struggles a lot with dealing with feelings of unworthiness, being burdensome, failure, etc its still a hard pill to swallow. I struggle with the feeling of progress being an actual success versus feeling like a mess up. There’s that feeling of understanding that progress is being made even though you may have a slip up or make a mistake. But for me its hard to see progress as a success versus me fucking up again versus feeling like there’s an imaginary mistake basket that’s being fulled up every time I make a mistake, being fulled up every time I have issues with communicating, being fulled up one by one every time I cut him off while he’s speaking and the feeling that when it gets full he’s going to chuck me to the wayside. And these are things I feel and fear even though I know that they are not true. I know he doesn’t have a tally sheet on his wall taking down all of my transgressions but it doesn’t stop me from being unrealistic and feeling like i’m always almost one disagreement from this whole thing being over.

You’d have to know Wicked to understand how far away from the truth that is. He’s a good listener, extremely patient, he’d talk you through whatever is bothering you and he’ll make sure you understand how he feels and his prospective. He’s has a very soothing tone and will talk to you at your level. But there’s a limit to a persons patience , there’s a limit to the amount of time they’d be willing to go over the same thing with you a trillion times and because I feel like in our growing pains issue I pushed him pretty close the edge i’m now always thinking about it. It has nothing to do with him making me feel like I need to be worried or like I should be concerned its now my own inner turmoil. I saw with growing pains that for every patient fiber he has, every understanding bone in his body, every peaceful moment of silence he gives to hear you out there is equally another side to him that has a threshold for the things he will tolerate, that doesn’t take any shit, that will cut you off even if it hurts and that’s not ever the side of him that I want to experience again.

I’ve become a lot more aware of myself and my reaction to hard discussions and hard times things so now I’ve found myself trying to actively combat that reaction. Some people say their “pull out” game is strong (you’d have to be an adult to understand that lol)..me on the other hand my “pull back game” is strong. I’ve learned that I have a strong defense mechanism where if I ever feel even remotely like a ton of things..lets make a list. If I feel like

  • My feelings will be hurt
  • I’ve hurt someone elses feeling
  • I’m being a burden, bug, nag etc
  • I’m unworthy of a persons time and effort
  • If I let someone down
  • I’ve failed too many times at something i’m actively working on
  • I’ve not met expectations
  • I’m creating too many expectations of others

I will pull back almost immediately and withdraw completely from a situation. I will just put myself in a corner with no visitors without a problem. I can go radio silence and just be to myself. I’ve learned that in private that i’m really hard on myself and what someone would consider a small mistake would me more monumental and destructive in my mind. A hard conversation that ended in success would still be difficult if parts of it made me feel in anyway like the things listed above. Because I find me kicking myself for allowing myself to make those faults and its even harder if its not the first time. Realizing your flaws is the easier part actively fixing them is the harder part. After today’s conversation I found myself having a significantly hard time because there were somethings that he said that I’ve heard before and that to me says if more then one person has said the same thing to you then….you’re the one with the issue. The only way I can describe the feeling associated with that is…tough.

The question now is what do I do in order to work through my feelings and emotions after a hard talk is a success but I still feel like a fuck up, still feel like a failure, still feel like i’m getting no where in my personal goals of progress. What do you do when you have those feelings but you know they’re not warranted and you don’t feel like someone else should have to talk you off the fantasy ledge that you created. The answer to that question is ever evolving and it changes day by day. Today the answer is dance to keep from crying and keep dancing until you get yourself to a point to fully flush through and process your thoughts like I am right now. Earlier today I was randomly browsing Youtube and came across a live performance of an artist whose music I enjoy…..now the live performance was awful but I could tell that the song was one that spoke to me. So I went onto Spotify and pulled it up…it was exactly as I thought it would be…beautiful with just the right amount of bass. The song reminded of Wicked and the basis of the reason why i’m willing to try with him. Because if you don’t know..trying is a whole hell of a lot harder then just giving up every time you feel like you fucked up for the fortieth time or every time you feel like you are undeserving of that persons time, energy, patience etc. I found this song several hours before we even had our conversation, I was lucky in that way. After the conversation we had, I needed to take a minute to just zone out and dance to the song in the middle of the floor to keep from doing what i’d normally do after a conversation like that…..one cry excessively because I feel like a failure unworthy of his time and two pull back into my own cocoon. Music makes my world go round and can be very helpful when i’m feeling a wide range of emotions.

I’ll link the song below , if anyone is interested in hearing it. But in essence it was important for me to continue to dance to the song because it was a constant reminder that I continue to work so hard and not give up because I believe my life is better with him in it. And so when I felt like I wanted to hide and live under the bed it brought me back to place that says….

1.Yes it was a hard talk

2. Yes you fucked up a bit

3. Yes he’s doesn’t feel good and you don’t like that

4. Yes you got in your feelings and cut him off a million times

5. Yes you made the same mistakes again

6. Yes you made a situation you were trying not to complicate more complicated

7. Yes your flaws continued to show through

but…..you’ve agreed to work on you for you, you’ve agreed to continue to actively work on your flaws even when it gets tough because this is a relationship that’s worth it and your life is better with him in it. – Sadie ❤

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