It was a very rainy Friday night and I was running late which is not typical for me. I’m a stickler for being on time and by on time I mean at least ten minutes early waiting for the other party to arrive. On this particular day I was dressed and ready well in advance but my ride for the evening was behind. I wore a nice grey sweater that was long enough to be a short dress, black leggings, black knee length boots, a purple envelope purse and my hair in an updo with a grey wrap. Before leaving the house I went through two other outfit choices before settling on that one…several different color combinations and top/bottom options. I wanted to make sure I looked at least half decent since I would be meeting people I’d never met for the first time. The plan was to meet up at a local coffee shop for a music showcase. Wicked had a friend who was performing and he had invited me along to participate and to meet his partner Jelly Bean (I use candy as names for our partners to protect their privacy in this blog) . I wasn’t nervous the only thing I really wondered was “did he tell her that I’m black?” lol. Since I don’t like to take photos when Wicked and I met he didn’t know what I looked like prior. (If you didn’t read yesterdays blog you can click here…I go a bit more into detail about our first date etc in that post). Needless to say I asked that he didn’t share any photos of me because i’m not a picture person, so they also didn’t know what I looked prior to meeting that evening. In any case I arrived to a warm welcome from Jelly Bean who was also there with her other partner Reese. The musical performance was very nice, the atmosphere was quaint and the hot chocolate was both fancy and delicious.
After the performance we drove to the local Chinese restaurant to get a bite to eat Wicked, Jelly Bean, Reese and I. Wicked & I sat on one side of the table and Jelly Bean & Reese on the opposite. I asked for my typical favorite – shrimp & broccoli spicy with white rice and a Pepsi. Wicked ordered me a large so there was plenty leftover. As we sat and ate we discussed various things but there was one part of the conversation that specifically stood out to me. Jelly Bean was talking about a response she got from someone about being poly and this person basically said “what else do you get out of it other then sharing your pussy?” I’m sure I responded with just a hmmmm or that’s interesting as I was just meeting them. But in my mind I immediately thought a few things
- 1. This person must have been really brazen and full of gumption to say that to her
- 2. Would they have said this to a man? I doubt it since people don’t seem to care about men sharing their penises.
- 3. Who the fuck are they to be concerned about anyone’s pussy “being shared” especially since it’s not theirs? Worry about whats in your pants and not mines.
Polyamory per the dictionary is……..the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved.
They really should fix that…I think people have this misconception that being poly is only about sex, that it means you’re some sexual deviant or you have no morals. I feel the need to start this by saying that just because you are pro one thing doesn’t mean you have to be anti the opposite. Just because you’re pro black you don’t have to be anti white. Just because you’re pro life you don’t have to be anti choice. Just because you’re republican doesn’t mean you have to hate all Democrats….you get my gist. Just because I’m poly does not mean that I’m anti marriage or anti monogamy. I believe in everyone making the choice that best fits their life. Poly is not for everyone nor is monogamy for everyone. I think marriage is beautiful and if it works for you, i’m all for it. I sometimes wonder if I would’ve stayed married if my ex was okay with me being poly. And i’d have to yes….yes I would’ve chosen to stay married and be poly. Now that doesn’t mean that my marriage would’ve ultimately worked out but i’m sure it would’ve lasted longer. Its much harder for a poly person to date a monogamous person but its not impossible.
I was poly before marriage and I have chosen to be poly since my divorce. The story of how I ended up getting married even after knowing I was poly is a very long story for a different day. We were together ten years and married for six of those ten. But around year three of my marriage is where it really started to get to me, my desire to have other relationships was starting to creep to the surface. It stopped being something at the back of my mind and quickly started to become something that clouded my mind daily. It had nothing to do with a lack of love for my husband or lack of desire to be with him at the time. I still was very much in love with him. But I started to feel suffocated, not because I was specifically interested in sex with other people at the time but I was more so interested in having relationships with other people. I wanted more and I knew the more that I wanted wasn’t something he could provide. I wanted to be free to go out with someone that was different then my husband, do different things and if I started to like that person I wanted that to be okay to. You can have a relationship without sex, although sex is great 🙂 Before marriage I realized that there was no one person that would be able to fulfill every last one of my needs for eternity. Eternity is a very long time. I also believed that you have the capacity in your heart to love more then one person. The same way you can have familial love for more then one person, you can have romantic love simultaneously for more then one person and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. And in every relationship that I was apart of the people were very different. The things I enjoyed with one person was different then the things I enjoyed with the other. I understood that just because I had a relationship with two or more people it didn’t mean that one took away from the other. I understood early on that each relationship was two separate entities. Before marriage I was poly single so I dated several people without choosing to be committed to any specific partners. The key is that there are no secrets so everyone is aware of whats going on.
I saw a posting that explained it almost perfectly.
In order to give more insight into what i’m saying about variety I will tell you a bit about my two current partners and you’ll be able to see the clear differences in both relationships.
Let’s start with Wicked since my relationship with him is the basis of this blog. Wicked is in his early forties and there is a nine year age difference between us. He is a film maker and has been a cabinet maker for many years (i’d say at least twenty plus based off of our conversation about it). He is also able to repair and/or build almost anything you need in your house. He’s quite the talented fellow. He’s an actor, sings and plays multiple instruments, enjoys medieval fighting and music. He loves photography, enjoys walks in the gardens and helping others. He’s poly and has other partners. Wicked is 6ft tall, brown eyes and short hair with a full beard. He likes blazers and button down shirts. I like them on him too 😉 A picture is usually much better with a description. I’ll include one with his face blurred for privacy reasons. When it comes to me Wicked is very interested in getting to the core of my being. He wants to know everything and he’s patient enough to wait to know about my about my past, thoughts, feelings etc. He challenges me and requires me to share.
Double Mint is in his late forties and there is a sixteen year age difference between us. He is a firefighter & EMT and has been for the past twenty plus years. He enjoys hunting almost anything…deer, turkey, squirrel, duck etc, fishing and chopping wood. He’s definitely a camo wearing, gun totting, blaze orange hat wearing kind of guy. He is quite savvy. He loves the gym. He enjoys cooking and lets not forget his favorite past time…cutting the grass lol! He enjoys long drives to the country and long walks in the woods. He is very set in his ways but open to change in small doses. He’s monogamous and i’m his only partner. Double Mint is 5’10, blue eyes and curly light brown hair. He hates blazers, button downs, slacks – he calls those things stuffy. The closest he gets to a button down shirt is his work shirt. I will also include a photo without his face for privacy reasons. Double Mint is very laid back and if I want to talk about something we talk and if I don’t he doesn’t mind. He has always been the type to say that’s your business so if you want to share fine and if not fine.
The point i’m getting at is my relationships as a whole with Wicked and Double Mint are polar opposites. They are two totally different people. And the success that I have in my relationship with Double Mint would lead to failure in my relationship with Wicked if I handled both relationships the same way. There is a level of depth that Wicked requires that Double Mint does not. Because I’ve not had to share heavily with Double Mint and I can keep all my cards close to my chest I’ve not had as many issues as I have with Wicked. But in the same token since I can keep everything to myself Double Mint doesn’t know me the same way Wicked does. So the level of progression in both relationships is very different and I don’t mind it. I’ve been with Double Mint much longer then Wicked but I’ve shared significantly more with Wicked then with Double Mint. The struggles I have with Double Mint are different then the ones I have with Wicked. The conversation I have with Wicked is different then the conversation that I have with Double Mint. Even the dates I have with Wicked are different from the ones I have with Double Mint. I enjoy both of my relationships separately and they fulfill different needs for me. I wouldn’t change either relationship because I think it would be hard dealing with two Wickeds or two Double Mints. But even with two relationships no one is perfect. Currently i’m in two different places with both of them. With Wicked i’m working through growing pains and with Double Mint i’m working through jealously in reference to Wicked. I hope that both in time can be fully worked through. Double the fun, double the pleasure…and double the problems at times.
Speaking of jealously…just because i’m poly and I don’t mind my partners having partners it doesn’t mean i’m not jealous. I’m still human and struggle with jealously at times. Probably a lot less then most but its still there at times. Usually my jealously has nothing to do with the specific person as in i’m jealous because he likes so and so better etc. The point is i’m not void of that emotion but the basic understanding that the relationship he has with me is not effected by the relationship he has with others
nor does it lessen his affection for me does help.
To answer the question from that night for those who wonder – what do you get out of it other then sharing your pussy?
- I get the ability to know and enjoy more then what one person has to offer
- I get to have varied conversation and do different things. Often times what one person likes the other doesn’t.
- I get to love the way that I choose according to my rules
- I get to be honest with everyone involved without the guilt of feeling like a cheater
- I get my many needs met. I’m a whole lot of person with a whole lot of emotions you might want to share me to get a break lol (Just kidding..don’t get your panties in a bunch but I am a whole lot of person)
- I get to be me and live life according to my own rules
- I get to be happy
- Oh and yes I get to have sex with not only one person for the rest of my life. Sex is good for the soul.
Yes I know poly is not for everyone and before I tried it I didn’t know it would be for me. I was raised in a household that said monogamy was the way, the truth and the light. I was raised in a way that said there was no other choice. But I was also was raised in a house where monogamy was only the face for the world because behind closed doors cheating and secrecy was common. I only task you with one thing today whether your choice is poly or monogamy….just be true to yourself.
P.S. For those wondering…its not all just one big orgy!