Sex, Communication and The Role Your Past Plays

We first started corresponding via email, text and phone conversations about a month prior to us actually going on our first date. He’d say it was a first “meeting” but I say it was a date since that’s what he told me it was before we met that day. I dressed for a date, I did my hair nicely for a date, I put all my smell goods on for a date and I made sure that every curve was hugged just right…for a date. For the ladies out there you know what I mean. Now had he told me it was a meeting I might’ve shown up in my sneakers with my hair in a ponytail. But I digress lol. I should add that he had no clue what I looked like up until our first date but it wasn’t like your typical blind date because I had already knew what he looked like and I also had already seen everything he had to offer underneath his clothes. No this is not because he was sending me nudies…….again you’ll have to stick around for the very juicy story about how Wicked and I met in a future blog post, I suggest you just follow now 🙂

Our first date was great….we went to the botanical gardens, saw the lights at night, went to Starbucks for good conversation and when it closed we went to iHop to talk further…..I had many many cups of hot chocolate that night. It was the beginning of something very good. Five dates later and about another month in was when we had our first sexual encounter. Even though we had been on five dates we were taking things moderately slow so up until that point we hadn’t even had our first kiss….sounds like high school right. We hugged and had kissed on the cheek prior but it even took a while to get to cheek kissing. Lets just say I was being cautious, he was being cautious, I wasn’t good at being forward and he was enjoying our pace. We also had not spent any alone time together other then being in the car. Our dates previously were all in public places most of them were just us but there was also one that we had with his partner Jelly Bean and her partner Reeses (if you haven’t read the first post you should read it now but i’ll give you the cliff notes to help you out with the previous sentence…..we’re poly). So how we ended up in a hotel room with a Jacuzzi tub….overlooking the beach embarking on an overnight rendezvous when we hadn’t even kissed yet is beyond me . In hindsight it seems like such a crazy choice but since I know how the story ends I know it was a great choice…….in just 19 short hours we had sex 5 times. We went from first kiss to a whole lot more in a matter of hours.

View from the balcony

We did have our first kiss that night before having sex. It was separate and apart from that and it was picturesque..totally worth the wait. From the beginning of our first night together Wicked was very vocal about wanting me to be vocal. He wanted me to tell him what I wanted, how I wanted it, what felt good to me etc. I struggled with that and the first time we were intimate that night I was not good at all at expressing those things so I ended up a bit sore. But the second time that night I got a little better at the basics and I could say “yes that feels good” or “no not that”. By the third time I was able to say “I’d like it if you’d ________ or I could use more ___________. Although it was hard for me, it was also very freeing. It helped that he didn’t take offense to anything I said and he was as interested in my sexual fulfillment as I was. I wanted to share a little bit about our first time together before jumping into the topic at hand..Sex, Communication & The role your past plays.

A picture he snuck on our first night together…I was looking out at the beach from the balcony door.

When it comes to romantic relationships there are a lot of things that you need in order to keep them afloat as well as continue to work on in order to make them sustainable. You need all the ones people constantly talk about like trust, honesty, communication, respect, and friendship at the foundation of it all. But people often times fail to mention the other things that also go along with keeping things together like sex, desire, passion and intimacy. Often times when you go into a new relationship its said that your past dictates the person you are in your new relationship, how you react, how you behave etc. The same goes for sex.

I have to admit as a woman that I had become accustomed to not sharing the things I wanted or needed sexually. I didn’t say much about things that felt uncomfortable in the moment, I didn’t say if a particular position wasn’t one that I liked, I didn’t say a lot of what I truly needed to say. Sex in the beginning was that thing that felt occasionally good but was mainly for the fulfillment of the man. Here and there along the way i’d discover more of what I liked . When I first started having sex I was a lot more vocal about those things but then I learned to start walking on egg shells. I learned that a man’s ego could be a very touchy thing. I learned that if something felt awful or even really good that it was best to have the conversation after the encounter usually in a very lighthearted way. Even when I was married (yes, married..that’s a story for another day) in the beginning I didn’t share much about my sexual wants and needs. I just knew I was okay with getting married although he wasn’t where I wanted him to be ideally with sex but there was potential that I felt like I could work with. Now don’t take that as me saying I was some great sexual catch…because I was not. By the time I got married I was decent, not good…far from where i’d like to be.

[ Let me go on a tangent for a second….if marriage is something that you chose for your life, listen to me – do not marry potential. Whether its sexual potential , career potential , personality potential etc. Potential per the dictionary is having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future. If you are with someone and it looks like its heading in the right direction…wait for the potential to manifest. You can wait. I know it may seem like you can’t but if you are going to commit to someone for a lifetime then you have plenty of time. Because if you marry potential and the potential never comes to fruition….what are you left with? ]

In the beginning of my relationship with Wicked I was very shy about expressing myself sexually…I still am but i’m a bit better so now i’m not very shy…i’m just shy. He on the other hand is quite the opposite, he’s not shy in any way when it comes to that and i’m grateful for it. Because two versions of me in a sexual relationship would be awful…they’d get no where. Since being with him I’ve been actively trying to unlearn this habit I have of not sharing my sexual desires. Two thing that I did become more aware of from my past that effects my current sex life is 1. my lack of sexual communication 2. my level of responsiveness. I blame this next part on society. Its the idea that if a woman is open about her wants sexually and desires that she’s a dirty girl or if she is into sex that she’s a slut or if she shows experience in the bedroom that she’s been promiscuous. I learned that I am sometimes very unresponsive when it comes to sex initially. This means I can be totally into wanting sex, my panties could be soaking wet, I could be enjoying everything about foreplay but for some reason i’m stiff as a board. If you were to look at me you’d probably think does she even want this but yet my mind could be running a million miles an hour about what i’m enjoying, how good it feels etc. I’ve realized there’s a part of me that still says don’t show how into it you are because he may think……. Or don’t moan to frequently or loud even though you maybe enjoying it because he may think……… I try to be cognizant of it but honestly there are days I do fall back into that spot.

The odd thing about your past experiences guiding your current ones is that your current reality does not always play a part when your mind is being run by your past. For example – i’m with Wicked, he’s not shy when it comes to sex, he’s very open, he communicates well in regards to that, he wants to know all about my wants and needs, his priority in any session is to make sure i’m fulfilled, there’s nothing that I could say about my sexual wants that will shock him and as he’d say he’s a grown ass man. However although that is my reality when we have sex i’d still sometimes revert back to that place that says my outward sexual expression as a woman is not acceptable. So I could know that he enjoys it when i’m more vocal and expressive during sex but still not respond accordingly because i’m caught up in the years of slutty girl indoctrination.

[Another Tangent…if you follow along for long enough you will realize I can go on a tangent 🙂 I want to take a few seconds to discuss this idea of being a “grown ass man.” Men are very different as are women and especially when it comes to sex. Being poly you can really see the difference. I currently have two partners Wicked & Double Mint *to protect partners identities I will refer to them as names of candy.* My sex lives with each of them as well as my relationships with them are very different. I am fulfilled by both of them sexually but in very different ways. My sex with Wicked is not like my sex with Double Mint but I am still fulfilled…if that makes sense. Back to the point, the first time Wicked told me he was a grown ass man was after he expressed an interest in sex and I questioned his interest in sex based on my past experiences. Because in the past I’ve known specific things to be issues I just wanted to be sure. You’ll find his response below. and you’ll notice two things 1. he’s very confident in his response 2. it’s a very grown ass man response. Which I accepted it at the time, I’ve learned since then that I haven’t accepted it fully. Because of that there are days when I still question him in regards to sex based off of my past experiences. I’ll naturally assume that he won’t like something or be interested in something else based off my past experience and not what he’s told me. This takes us back to the idea of your past experience not meshing with your current reality. In essence I know that he is what he says he is, I know that he’s sure, I know that he’s accepting and willing to work with me but I still question it all when what I should be doing is trusting]

The good news is if you’re reading this blog and you can relate…..we can unlearn these things, its hard but its doable.

  • One really important factor is being with someone who you trust with your sexual secrets someone you are not concerned about shaming you with them later.
  • Secondly it involves some mind trickery since the reason you got to this place is a total mind fuck. You have to always remind yourself that this person is a safe place and that your wants & needs are nothing to be shameful about. You have to always remind yourself that just because something went this way in the past it doesn’t mean it will go that way now.
  • Third be willing to communicate your fears and concerns. Be open to speaking about your past so that when an issue arises you’re able to talk about it because sometimes a little reassurance is all you need. It takes time, it won’t happen over night but you have to be willing to change.

( I will do a separate blog post in the future about sexual shame and its effect )

I’m still learning this lesson, i’m taking my own advice and so in the interim I encourage you to be more vocal about your wants, needs & desires so you’re not laying next to someone who’s on cloud 9 after sex and you’re thinking I can’t wait for him to leave so I can use my toy. Most things are easier said then done so I’m not saying it’s easy. On our first night together sometime between time sex session number two and three we drew a bath in the Jacuzzi tub, filled it with bubbles and went over an 11 page survey that detailed my sexual experiences and curiosity……no that’s not normal lol. It was a survey I filled out because of my interest in a D/s relationship with him. Let’s just say that’s not an easy task for someone who is as shy as I am but it was a worthwhile task.

Nowadays I tend to hem and haw when he asks me specific questions in reference to sex but I will still answer. Since he’s not shy he’ll look me in my eyes and will not let me get away without sharing what’s on my mind. I still struggle with telling him what I need but he’s gotten really good at knowing when i’m wanting. Its rare for me to just outright ask for sex even if I want it. I will lay in the bed and roll around like a little horny monster before i’d say anything. I’m working on that because i’d like to be able to just out with it. In most cases he knows and he’ll oblige but in some cases he’ll wait me out until I say it. He can tell when i’m horny even when I don’t mention it. He knows now that no matter how many times we have sex during the day if we’re going to sleep together at night i’m bound to need him before bed. Because if not then I toss and turn til morning. Til this day if I express interest in intimacy he asks “how do you want me to fuck you?” And its not a rhetorical question….he expects an answer. Sometimes I wonder if he just asks for the shock value lol

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