I read a quote that said “The best relationships are the ones that press on through the darkness. They are the people that look at each other and see the broke and the hurt and say that you are worthy” He’s that guy. He’s the one that’ll place his forehead against mines as I lean up against a wall crying after hurting him…he’d look down at me, wipe my tears and say “You are worth it.”
You’d think that we’d have more issues surrounding the obvious differences in our relationship and how different it is to the outside world. You’d think that as an interracial couple living in this day and age when racial tensions are so high that we’d have more disagreements about that. You’d think that because we’re poly most of our disagreements would surround jealously in reference to our other partners or time not spent. If you’d think that, you’d be wrong. At the basis of things we are friends first, couple second, poly couple third and interracial couple fourth. There are days when I wish that our disagreements were more about the world and less about our personal flaws. I think those would be much easier to get over, those could be easier to work through. It’s harder when the core issue of a relationship is not only about you but it is you. In relationships you learn and you grow and growing can be hard.
Sometimes things can be difficult. No relationship is perfect and during hard times it’s easy to feel like a failure. It’s easy to beat yourself up and question everything. This last few weeks have been difficult for me in relationship land. I found myself making mistakes daily some really small and others quite hurtful to my partner. I always use the saying “you learn something new everyday” this few weeks I learned that I have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill. The saying pretty much means I can overreact and make minor issues into significantly bigger issues. It doesn’t help that I’m already largely emotions driven and closely linked to the feelings of others so once I realize I’ve been an ass I start to feel really bad and get down on myself.
There’s are times when things could be going perfectly in a day like for example a few weeks ago the day was wonderful. But at the end of the night after a marvelously good fucking I still somehow ended up nestled in his arms, half naked, nose full of snot, sniffling with tears streaming down my face because I have this awful trait of turning molehills into mountains. This week happens to be a particularly difficult one in that I’ve found myself upset about something small several times. As he says I’m really good about the big stuff but the small stuff gets to me….he’s right. Even after me being a complete ass wipe that night I woke up the next morning to breakfast being made for me. And after breakfast he drove me to work and gave me a peep talk about not feeling bad about how the previous night went….he’s that guy.
I seem to be the recipe to my own disaster. The question becomes how fair is it for him to have to always wipe my tears after I’ve hurt him? How fair is to him to have to suffer through my bad choices not once or twice but ten times. How fair is it to him to have to talk me off the ledge while still dealing with hurt that I caused? The answer is….it’s not fair to him. So do I give up although it hurts because I think he deserves better and I don’t want to be selfish. Or do I wipe my own tears, put on my big girl panties and plead my case for his heart because he’s worth it.
He’s worth standing outside in the rain without an umbrella with a huge handwritten sign that says “I fucked up, I’m sorry, I’m willing to fight to change, please take me back”
Things take time….so in the interim I will respect his need to be still. I will respect his time away to think. And although I really feel like giving up, I will put on my big girl panties and fight.
To be continued……….